Flight Musings Part 1: Fear

Will I be able to endure it? Look at the crisis and not look away?

I remember that this trip isn’t even about me, of course – but every bit of my self-protectionist ideology begins kicking in. I want the rumored suffering to be false; I don’t want to have to endure too much pain on this trip.

I rationalize. Could it just be that these people are only coming to America for better opportunity? Seeking to cheat the system by crossing the border? Looking for easy work and easy opportunity, wanting our jobs? Infiltrating our systems? Bringing in drugs and guns and everything illegal?

These words feel harsh out loud, outside of the safety of my mind.

And yet - what if the suffering is true? What do I do with all this fear? With my desire for protection and stability and constancy? Believing my biases feels easier than believing anything else. I would rather close my eyes to it all.

I wonder. Could I trust Jesus enough to ask him to rewire my entire heart towards generosity and courage and sacrifice and love?

As Sleeping at Last sings, “Show me where my armor ends, show me where my skin begins." Would Jesus give me a soft heart and dismantle the armor I carry?

I am reminded again that pro-refugee doesn’t even mean anti-safety. The self-protectionist in me pits them against one another: a false dichotomy.

What am I afraid of then? Discomfort, pain, the unknown, change, people I might not like, cultures that might challenge my own?

I might actually have to -

Love.

Sacrifice.

Trust.

Surrender.

I am afraid.

Face to face with vulnerability - will I look away?

Do I actually care, or do I just want to ease my conscience and minimize guilt?

I am so afraid.